Boise Weekly - 03.26.08: Road Rage (Paying Property Taxes on Public Roads)

Although I’m currently a Mac user, I really want a big company like HP or Dell to grow some balls and combat Apple’s low-blow, kick-in-the-nuts campaign against PCs and PC users. It can be an all out ad-war with each party making parodies of each others commercials. Here’s an idea:

In a solid white room, a hipster kid rolls up to Brad Pitt (that’s right, Brad muthafuckin’ Pitt) on a fixed gear bike with his Apple iBook inside of his uberly vintage messenger bag (which he purchased at Urban Outfitters). Of course, to be extra cool, he comes skidding to a halt, from 50 feet a way, in that stem-humping position that fixed-gear riders inevitably end up in when they skid. Once a full stop is reached, Hipster Kid takes off his headphones (revealing he was listening to Art Brut) and says to Mr. Pitt, “Yo, B-Rad! What’s up?”

Unimpressed by Hipster Kid’s antics, Mr. Pitt responds, “It’s Mr. Pitt to you, jackass.” Followed by a quick, harsh bonk to Hipster Kid’s head with Mr. Pitt’s brand new HP laptop. Hipster Kid falls to the ground and Mr. Pitt casually walks away.

Camera zooms into a close-up shot of the HP, unscathed, shining and still ticking. Star-wipe to black and then cross dissolve to HP’s logo and the words:

“Let’s see you do that with your anorexic MacBook Air.”

And, for a more subtle approach, how about this one:

There’s an apple and an orange sitting on top of a hill in San Francisco. They’re both chilling, minding their own business and enjoying the view of the majestic Pacific. The scene’s deceivingly serene but there’s a storm brewing…

The wind begins to blow, the fruits begin to shake and before the viewer can even check his Apple’s dashboard for the latest weather information, the fruits get knocked off the hill’s apex and begin rolling down the hill.

A montage of the two fruits rolling down the hill ensue (much like the annoying ones they do in crime investigation tv-shows). The orange, being the rounder one of the two, rolls down the hill flawlessly, passing a DUI sobriety test along the way. The apple, somewhat v-shaped with weird indents on its bottom, doesn’t do as well. It zigs, it zags and it eventually rolls into the mouth of an alligator peeping its head out of the sewer.

The camera cuts back to the orange (which at this point is nearing the bottom of the hill) and shows a birds view angle of the orange crossing a checkered crosswalk (AKA a convenient finish line). The orange ultimately reaches the beach and its roll comes to a stop.

The camera then zooms out to reveal the orange’s new friends… a handful of hot, orange bitches, in skimpy bikinis (partially peeled), playing beach volley-ball with a miniature apple.

Pan to a shot of the California sunset and star-wipe to HP’s logo and the words:

“Apples just don’t know how to roll.”

Found: Danielle’s kitchen.

It’s been over a month now since my surgery and riding my bike is still an awkward task (hence the maladroitly bent left wrist in the photo). It’s slightly improving though… while hopping this, my hand held on tight the whole way through and didn’t impulsively let go at the most inopportune time. Instead, it just tingled and twitched for a while immediately afterwards.

Boise Weekly - 03.19.08: A New Breed of Playwright

I almost forgot about this photo series (for the longest time, it was the only thing up on this website). Some of them are already scattered throughout the portfolio but to view the whole collection, click the following link:

The Philippines (Jan.2007)

undies and socks.